Taraweeh Reflection
Day 14: Juzz 14
7 Ways of Honouring Our Parents

The above article is based on the following Verses from the Quran:

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا

for thy Sustainer has ordained that you shall worship none but Him. And do good unto [thy] parents. Should one of them, or both, attain to old age in thy care, never say “Ugh” to them or scold them, but [always] speak unto them with reverent speech, – 17:23-25

وَٱخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ ٱلذُّلِّ مِنَ ٱلرَّحْمَةِوَقُل رَّبِّ ٱرْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا

and spread over them humbly the wings of thy tenderness, and say: ‘O my Sustainer! Bestow Thy grace upon them, even as they cherished and reared me when I was a child!’

‎رَّبُّكُمْ أَعْلَمُ بِمَا فِي نُفُوسِكُمْ إِن تَكُونُواْ صَالِحِينَ فَإِنَّهُ كَانَ لِلأَوَّابِينَ غَفُورًا

and spread over them humbly the wings of thy tenderness, and say: “O my Sustainer! Bestow Thy grace upon them, even as they cherished and reared me when I was a child!”

I am often asked by people how to honour our parents?

I do not have a definitive answer or a magic formula that you could adopt and it would automatically help you honour your parents. I am learning, failing and doing my best to honour my own parents. I am also hoping my children would honour me when I am old and frail.

Honouring parents comes as a consequence of your realisation of their position in your life and your own deep conviction of this obligation. No one can force you to honour your parents unless your intellect instructs you to do so. Quran places a great deal of importance to honouring parents, in fact after being good to God, human beings have been ordered by God to be good to their parents.

My father passed away few years ago and my mother is still alive. I am nearly 50 years old, I have two children of my own. I often wonder if I have honoured my parents adequately. I may have lost my father two years ago but I still have my mother alive to honour. Since he passed away I have been more self conscious of my relationship with my father. I often wonder if I have done enough but I also know nothing I could have done would ever be enough. The simple and absolute fact is that I owe my life to parents.

I have double responsibility, on one hand I have to take account of myself about whether I have adequately honoured my parents and on the other hand as an Imam I have to give an answer to this question genuinely to the wider audience. I feel extra weight of responsibility on my shoulder. Furthermore, my children would learn from my actions and words the reality of honouring parents and one day be faced with the same question – how do we honour our patents enough?

As a Muslim our relationship with our parents have been clearly outlined in the Quran and the teachings of the blessed prophet (peace be upon him). The following is a summary of Quranic instructions for honouring our parents:

1. Show gratitude to God and to your parents: You exist because God willed your existence, God permitted your soul to be united with your physical body and offered you a place on this earth for a fixed period. Be grateful for the gift of life that God has given you. Be grateful to your parents whose union made it possible for you to be conceived and whose love, kindness and undivided devotion and attention enabled you to survive. Be grateful for every moment your parents nurtured you, from conception to your birth and from your childhood to your adult state, they have always remained with you.

2. Be kind to them: Your parents were extremely kind to you when you had no language, totally unable to do anything independently and cried during odd hours of day or night. When you were growing up you brought further challenges in their lives but they did not withdraw their kindness. When you were an adult they stood by you and offered you their unending kindness. Even if you disagree with them in your adult life walk away from argument with them, alway be kind to them just like they were kind to you throughout your life.

3. Do not say words of contempt: When parents get old and frail, their bodies weakened and their memories fading, and when the children are adults and in the peak of their life, often children’s patience is tested by parents. When they test you do not demonstrate contempt by uttering words that would hurt them, do not display acts that would cause them pain and do speak to them in a language that would make them so upset that they cry. Your parents tears because of your contempt could cause you harm.

4. Do not abandon your parents: When parents are old and frail and you are young and able, do not leave them to lead a lonely life. I detest the sight of parents who are abandoned by their children to care homes. Unless parents have a medical condition that require specialist care in a specific space, placing them in a nursing home because they are simply old is both cruel and inhuman. Keep your parents with you, they will have quality time in the last few years of their lives. Your parents did not abandon you to a care home when you were little.

5. Address them with words of honour: Firstly speak to them regularly. Communicating with them with kindness and compassion will demonstrate your honour for them. When speaking to them give them space to talk to you freely, open their heart and express their emotions. Do not shout at them, berate them and scold them. Words of honour means you show them respect with your words and actions. You tell them often that you love them and you are always there for them. It is made difficult in some cultures to express love and emotions, but God wants us to be connected with our parents at emotional level too. Language of love requires expressing love with words and actions.

6. Out of kindness spread wings of humility over them: If you ever observe the animals in the nature you would see the mother hen with her chicks trotting around freely and happily, but in the face of danger she would instantly open up her wings and pull the chicks together and tuck them inside. It’s called wings of love, tenderness and protection. She would fight any enemy that attacks her chicks, risking her limbs and life. She would sacrifice everything to find and feed them. The Quranic instruction here is most profound that God requires you to spread the wings of humility out of kindness for your parents. It is more than what animals do to their off springs. In other words as a son or daughter of your parents you must remove your cloak of arrogance, self importance, power or fame when you are with your parents. They have seen you in all sorts of vulnerable state so shun your fake facade and face them genuinely and honestly. Offer them your authentic self. At the most basic level you would love, protect and honour them and at the highest level you would be genuinely present in their life especially when they are old.

7. And pray for them: Remember that day when you were sitting your first exam for school entrance, or your end of year exams, or your vital GCSE or A’LEVEL exams, your parents endlessly prayed to God for your success. When you told them about your university exams they prayed even more and in many cases gave away in charity in your name so that you would succeed. For your job, your marriage they prayed, for you to have children they prayed, for you to be happy they prayed. When you fell sick they stayed up late at night offering extra special prayers. Your parents prayers had no ending. They prayed for you when you asked and when you did not ask. So now it’s your turn to return all those years of favours. Say to God, “O God, be kind to my parents as they have been kind to me, especially when I was little.” This is the best prayer that you should repeat again and again. Your genuine prayer would be heard and listened to by God.

I have written the above and I am checking myself against these Quranic instructions. I have failed in many accounts when it comes to honouring my parents. I hope and pray my parents will forgive me and God will forgive me too. However, by reading this if you can improve in your honour of your parents I will feel this would add to my record of good deeds. May be God will have mercy on me for helping others to learn about how to honour their parents. You only have one set of parents so make the best out of the opportunity you have.